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Taken from The Age (February 23, 2014)
What I know about women
by Jane Rocca
"Mom carried me for nine months – how could she not feel incredible loss? She suffered for it" … Michael Franti. |
Michael Franti
Musician, 47, in a relationship
My birth mother [Mary Lofy] held me for an hour, then gave me up for adoption. She never saw me again until I found her 22 years later. The reason she gave me up was because my father was black and her family was racist. She felt they would never have accepted me.
Michael Franti with his adoptive mother, Carole, last year.
Photo: Courtesy of Michael Franti |
It was the most difficult thing a woman has ever told me. Feeling rejected was really hard. I had to put myself in my mom's shoes and try to see it from her point of view. All I could think of was she carried me for nine months - how could she not care and feel incredible loss? She suffered for it and still suffers today.
I was adopted by Carole and Charles Franti. They were second-generation Finnish-Americans who had three children, then adopted myself and another African-American son. I grew up in a mixed household.
Mom was a tough woman, a public school teacher for 30 years, who insisted all her kids be treated the same. We were different heights and skin colour, but she made sure we all had the same chance at education. She took care of us kids while caring for our alcoholic dad. She juggled life as a mom and disciplinarian, nurturing us and holding down a job. She proved women could do more than one thing successfully.
I have two sisters who are six and seven years older than me. I really looked up to them and thought their lives were so cool when I was a kid. They were very loving.
When shit hit the fan with my dad during my final year of high school, it was my sister Sarah who acted courageously. I would often argue with my dad [who was a university professor in epidemiology and preventive medicine] and I was close to hitting him on this one occasion but never did. She grabbed every bottle of alcohol, every wine or martini glass, and smashed them all in a fit of rage.
I ran away from home for a few nights, but Sarah is the reason I came back. She told Dad he had to stop drinking and that I wouldn't come back home until he did. We had an intervention after that.
Where men tend to choose anger and aggression when things get difficult, women show endurance and an ability to always care. I saw that with both my mom and sisters. People have the capacity to change. Towards the end of my dad's life he used to put his arm around my mom and show affection in ways I never saw before. Mom stayed with him through all of it; she was prepared to sacrifice a lot to keep a family together.
My first kiss was at a friend's house for a birthday party when I was 11. We played spin the bottle and it was the first time I felt like, "Wow, this feels different from when Mom kisses me when I go off to school!"
I had a crush on a girl when I was in fourth grade. She lived down the block. It was unrequited love – I never told her how I felt. And I couldn't talk to my parents about how I was feeling, so I'd listen to silly love songs that I related to and it got me through it.
As a teenager, I never felt secure enough to ask a girl out. I was the only brown kid in school, but people liked me because I made them laugh. I was awkward because I was tall, skinny, had a long neck and wasn't super co-ordinated. I wasn't thinking about dating.
Franti with his partner, Sara Agah.
Photo: Courtesy of Michael Franti |
I met Tara in 1994 and we married in 1998. We divorced in 2004. She is the mother of my son, Ade. She is still very much a part of my life and lives a couple of blocks away. It was during my time with Tara that I wanted to find my biological mother and show my son where he came from. It was hard, because I had mixed feelings about it and didn't want my parents who raised me to feel strange in any way.
Learning more about my biological mother didn't give me faith that relationships worked. It didn't work out for my birth parents and it didn't work for my adopted parents to an extent. I didn't have many great examples of men and women in healthy relationships.
I have an amazing partner, Sara Agah, who I hope to marry in the next year. She is an emergency nurse and jewellery designer. When I'm with her it's like I am with my best friend. I've never had that feeling before and it's great.
I met Sara at a festival in Canada. We became good friends and after three years of friendship we said, "Let's give it a shot." The relationship works because I've grown wiser. Communication isn't about just your side being heard - it's about being clear, and understanding what the other person is saying and feeling. Listening is the key.
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